Devil Inside

That look she just gave you?  It’s because she doesn’t agree with how you parenting your child.

(Why the hell didn’t you clean the bathroom?  What have you been DOING all day?)

ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER

(Really?  You’re feeding him bananas again?  Haven’t you ever heard of variety? Why do I buy variety, if you don’t give it to him?)

Do more.  Take on more.  People will like you better.  They will think you are incredible.

Useless.  Hopeless.  Worthless.

Don’t ADMIT that you feel terrible.  They think you are supermom…you have to live up to that.

(If one more person talks out of turn I might just start banging my head on the wall just to feel something other than this frustration).

Nobody believes your act.  You better step up your game.  Get it all done.  You’re falling behind.

(I can’t do it all.  What if someone finds out?  What will they think?)

They will hate you.  They probably already do.

Frustration.  Desperation.

(I have no bond with my child.  I hate my husband.  I hate my mother. I hate everyone. But most of all? I hate myself.)

They hate you too.  You are useless.

(He is crying…AGAIN.  And I don’t know why.  Why can’t I be a good mother?)

Because you weren’t supposed to be a mother.  Nature didn’t want you to be.  Why do you think you had miscarriages that DRUGS had to fix?  Why do you think you needed a C-section because your body was too narrow to birth?  You’re not SUPPOSED TO BE A MOTHER!!!

Self-hate.  Self-loathing.  Self-destruction.

(I need help.  From myself).

You need help.  From yourself.  But no one can help you.  You are worthless.

Resignation.

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About ksluiter

Just a small town girl...wait no, that is a Journey song. Although I do live in a small town. I am a wife, a mother, a teacher, and a writer. We have joys and we have struggles. Just like you.
This entry was posted in being an adult is really not that great, life changes, me, Mental Health, nonfiction, out of my control, Postpartum Depression, Red Dress Club, things we don't talk about. Bookmark the permalink.

39 Responses to Devil Inside

  1. Pingback: Back to The Flip List… « Sluiter Nation

  2. CDG says:

    Oh.

    Shivers.

    And a desperate desire to hug this poor woman.

  3. Kim says:

    This is great because we can all relate to this inner villain. Great work.

  4. Ratz says:

    Oh i agree… this villain is the most dangerous of all types and forms… i fear her too… thanks for commenting on my write-up… TRDC is a great platform, isn’t it?

    Have a great weekend

  5. Carrie says:

    Wow…that is intense…and hits close to home. Is there any woman who hasn’t felt some of that?

  6. wow katie, this is powerful. i hope it felt good to get that out. you are brave & strong. you are meant to be eddie’s mother. & you are doing a wonderful job of it.

  7. Natalie says:

    Oh, this was fantastic writing and I got chills. This is the worst villain of all…the one in each of us. Tweeting this now…

  8. Natalie says:

    Oh…one more thing. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to take a copy of your NaNoWriMo badge for my blog…if you’d prefer I didn’t please let me know! And what is your username on the NaNoWriMo website so I can friend you?

  9. Christy says:

    scary, wow … so true. I love the way you wrote this in a conversational style. very creative

    • ksluiter says:

      thanks. it was the only villain that (quite literally) kept running through my head…and I only knew to portray it as a conversation! I’m glad it was effective!

  10. That inner demon. Powerful. Villainous. And so well written. I’ve had to chase a similar one like this down many times. They are tough cookies to vanquish too!

  11. Kellie says:

    Wow! I feel like you crawled in my head and started writing. The “You arent supposed to be a mother” really got me! You nailed it!

    • ksluiter says:

      thank you. I am sorry you have these thoughts too though. I get sad thinking more women have to go through this battle. But I am glad the way I wrote it spoke to others who have been through it!

  12. Nichole says:

    That voice?
    Has been in my head so often lately.
    It visits me at night, in the quiet still moments.
    In those moments where there’s little I can do but promise to try harder in the morning.

    Hugs and love to you Katie…silencing that voice is so very important.

    • ksluiter says:

      and thinking back, isn’t it foolish that we promise a dumb voice we will be better? When the LOGIC part of our brain tells us we are doing the best we can? Why is that logic voice so very quiet?

      Thank you for coming and reading my work…and then telling me you did. It means so much. So very much.

  13. Wow. Not a real friendly villain, but one we all know too well..

  14. Jackie says:

    Amazing! Absolutely amazing!

  15. How many of us could have written this? You are a brave woman for airing this monster. Braver than I could ever be.

    I do hope you write about the hero in this story because I’d love to meet her (and be her!)

    • ksluiter says:

      perhaps this is my jumping point for NaNoWRiMo…i’d have to turn it into fiction though.

      and the “hero” of this story? She doesn’t feel very heroic most of the time. but she is getting there.

  16. Jessica Anne says:

    The worst villain of all. Great job!

  17. Roxane says:

    Oh my.

    This is something that is so hard to write about, but you did it like you were inside all of our heads with a keyboard writing our thoughts and feelings. It’e especially hard to write about those thoughts we don’t *want* to hear in our heads.

    You’ve got skills kid. What an incredibly well written introspective.

    And by the way, we’re here if you need us. Really. Right here ANY time.

    • ksluiter says:

      I was inside someone’s head alright. I just wish it wasn’t so relate-able…I mean to that villain (glad peeps can connect with my writing, of course). I wish women didn’t have to deal with this awful asshole of a condition.

      Thank you for so much love.

      Much, MUCH love back to you. Glad to have you on my side 🙂

  18. liz says:

    What a fabulous idea for a villain! This, truly, is the kind of villain I hate the most. Well, that and the whole stupid expectation that motherhood is all roses and butterflies, and that moms need to meet some impossible standard all the time.

    • ksluiter says:

      thank you. this post was hard. This was the only villain I could think of and it took me awhile to figure out how to present it. I’m glad it was effective!

  19. Damn that devil to Hell!

    The lines “Because you weren’t supposed to be a mother. Nature didn’t want you to be.” That whole section – so powerful.

  20. Nancy C says:

    Yup, I know that voice. Hate the bitch. She says the same things to me, and every time I believe her, she wins.

    Great story. Totally relate-able, and not a word wasted.

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