That look she just gave you? It’s because she doesn’t agree with how you parenting your child.
(Why the hell didn’t you clean the bathroom? What have you been DOING all day?)
ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER
(Really? You’re feeding him bananas again? Haven’t you ever heard of variety? Why do I buy variety, if you don’t give it to him?)
Do more. Take on more. People will like you better. They will think you are incredible.
Useless. Hopeless. Worthless.
Don’t ADMIT that you feel terrible. They think you are supermom…you have to live up to that.
(If one more person talks out of turn I might just start banging my head on the wall just to feel something other than this frustration).
Nobody believes your act. You better step up your game. Get it all done. You’re falling behind.
(I can’t do it all. What if someone finds out? What will they think?)
They will hate you. They probably already do.
Frustration. Desperation.
(I have no bond with my child. I hate my husband. I hate my mother. I hate everyone. But most of all? I hate myself.)
They hate you too. You are useless.
(He is crying…AGAIN. And I don’t know why. Why can’t I be a good mother?)
Because you weren’t supposed to be a mother. Nature didn’t want you to be. Why do you think you had miscarriages that DRUGS had to fix? Why do you think you needed a C-section because your body was too narrow to birth? You’re not SUPPOSED TO BE A MOTHER!!!
Self-hate. Self-loathing. Self-destruction.
(I need help. From myself).
You need help. From yourself. But no one can help you. You are worthless.
Resignation.
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Oh.
Shivers.
And a desperate desire to hug this poor woman.
thanks, you. that woman? she appreciates your hug.
This is great because we can all relate to this inner villain. Great work.
thank you.
Oh i agree… this villain is the most dangerous of all types and forms… i fear her too… thanks for commenting on my write-up… TRDC is a great platform, isn’t it?
Have a great weekend
yes, I LOVE TRDC! and thank you for your comment as well. This was a difficult one to write–even though it doesn’t look like much.
Wow…that is intense…and hits close to home. Is there any woman who hasn’t felt some of that?
I wish there were LOTS of women who haven’t had to feel this way. It’s an AWFUL way to feel!
wow katie, this is powerful. i hope it felt good to get that out. you are brave & strong. you are meant to be eddie’s mother. & you are doing a wonderful job of it.
it did feel good to get it out. It was in my chest for a while and this prompt was the perfect way for me to get it out.
Oh, this was fantastic writing and I got chills. This is the worst villain of all…the one in each of us. Tweeting this now…
Thanks, Natalie! This villain sucks. But it feels good to release the villain and call her out and make her responsible.
Oh…one more thing. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to take a copy of your NaNoWriMo badge for my blog…if you’d prefer I didn’t please let me know! And what is your username on the NaNoWriMo website so I can friend you?
no problem! I got the badge off their site…there are a few other ones you can choose from. I am ksluiter on NaNoWriMo 🙂
scary, wow … so true. I love the way you wrote this in a conversational style. very creative
thanks. it was the only villain that (quite literally) kept running through my head…and I only knew to portray it as a conversation! I’m glad it was effective!
That inner demon. Powerful. Villainous. And so well written. I’ve had to chase a similar one like this down many times. They are tough cookies to vanquish too!
you are so right. just when you think they have shipped out? Poof! There they are again! Thank you for the lovely words of encouragement!
Wow! I feel like you crawled in my head and started writing. The “You arent supposed to be a mother” really got me! You nailed it!
thank you. I am sorry you have these thoughts too though. I get sad thinking more women have to go through this battle. But I am glad the way I wrote it spoke to others who have been through it!
That voice?
Has been in my head so often lately.
It visits me at night, in the quiet still moments.
In those moments where there’s little I can do but promise to try harder in the morning.
Hugs and love to you Katie…silencing that voice is so very important.
and thinking back, isn’t it foolish that we promise a dumb voice we will be better? When the LOGIC part of our brain tells us we are doing the best we can? Why is that logic voice so very quiet?
Thank you for coming and reading my work…and then telling me you did. It means so much. So very much.
Wow. Not a real friendly villain, but one we all know too well..
yes. all too well. sigh…
Amazing! Absolutely amazing!
thank you!!!
How many of us could have written this? You are a brave woman for airing this monster. Braver than I could ever be.
I do hope you write about the hero in this story because I’d love to meet her (and be her!)
perhaps this is my jumping point for NaNoWRiMo…i’d have to turn it into fiction though.
and the “hero” of this story? She doesn’t feel very heroic most of the time. but she is getting there.
The worst villain of all. Great job!
why thank you!
Oh my.
This is something that is so hard to write about, but you did it like you were inside all of our heads with a keyboard writing our thoughts and feelings. It’e especially hard to write about those thoughts we don’t *want* to hear in our heads.
You’ve got skills kid. What an incredibly well written introspective.
And by the way, we’re here if you need us. Really. Right here ANY time.
I was inside someone’s head alright. I just wish it wasn’t so relate-able…I mean to that villain (glad peeps can connect with my writing, of course). I wish women didn’t have to deal with this awful asshole of a condition.
Thank you for so much love.
Much, MUCH love back to you. Glad to have you on my side 🙂
What a fabulous idea for a villain! This, truly, is the kind of villain I hate the most. Well, that and the whole stupid expectation that motherhood is all roses and butterflies, and that moms need to meet some impossible standard all the time.
thank you. this post was hard. This was the only villain I could think of and it took me awhile to figure out how to present it. I’m glad it was effective!
Damn that devil to Hell!
The lines “Because you weren’t supposed to be a mother. Nature didn’t want you to be.” That whole section – so powerful.
yes, damn that devil indeed. sigh…it shows up way too often. Thank you for stopping by. This post had me worried, but I am glad it was effective!
Yup, I know that voice. Hate the bitch. She says the same things to me, and every time I believe her, she wins.
Great story. Totally relate-able, and not a word wasted.
thank you. she is a GIANT bitch…why do we believe her every damn time? why do we fall prey?
because she gets in before we realize it’s her.
crafty bitch.